My Secret, Hidden Notebook

I’m always obsessing
about the last bad thing I did (sometimes 2 at once!)
or think I did
the nature of which is usually an I act I know or perceive
was improper, inappropriate
and affected someone negatively (sometimes I’m not sure)
it gets me
keeps bothering me
and grows
multiplies
into elaborate stories, judgements, identities, and scenarios
and they elaborate from there
add layers
it fades for a bit then intensifies
thereby proving their truth to me
the attention keeps returning to it
I make plans and discard them for better
plans to defeat it
the plans keep improving but usually
never quite finish
somehow it usually ends anyway
but the great relief
doesn’t last long
before the next last bad thing happens
or an old time, classic unresolved bad thing
jumps up to take it’s place